Posted in Uncategorized

Moving Forward

​I never thought I’d be in the same spot again.
Just when I accepted that things are going to be bleak for me, you came. You were that one person I didn’t expect to majorly turn things around for me. To be honest, I thought our first date would be our last because you were a bit quiet, so I thought you weren’t enjoying my company. Little did I know that it was just the beginning of the happy moments that are now just memories etched in my mind.

We were total opposites but our personalities jived greatly. While you were mostly reserved, you never failed to make me feel that I was wanted. Your texts were consistent, you made sure we saw each other regularly, you constantly held my hand, and always kissed me when I arrive and before I go. I appreciated that even though we never talked about what we really were, you always made me feel special. I always marveled in the efforts you put in for us, and I am very grateful for all of it.

I was starting to be genuinely happy again. Having you in my life made me hopeful for another shot at happiness. I still had bad days but knowing that you were there made everything bearable because I know I have something good to look forward to. You were my happy pill; just the thought of you in my life made me smile. Thinking about us always made me feel like everything is going to be okay, and I truly believed we were going to end up somewhere great.

Now I’m back to square one. You left me when things went glum. I can’t completely blame you because the situation is frightening, but I wish you’d stayed. I know things went insane but I was willing to do everything in my power to keep you safe. This wasn’t your fault but I felt like trash. I felt as if I wasn’t worth the risk when I took every chance for you. I put my guards down for you in spite of my fears to feel this kind of pain once more because I believed you were worth it. I also understand your fears. I know it’s not easy, but you didn’t even give me another chance to prove that you’re safe with me. You didn’t trust me enough.

Despite all these, I miss you so much. I miss your texts, the way you hold my hand every chance that you get, the way you put your arms around me while I wait for the bus or the car, your tight hugs that say everything you can’t say, the way you rub your nose against mine, and your kisses that never failed to make me smile. The 2 months we spent together was amazing. I know it’s too short of a time to be feeling this way but I guess this is really how it feels when you lose someone who was never really yours. You get eaten up by the what if’s and the what could have been’s. You will always be left wondering how things would have gone had the situation been different.

It’s difficult to get used to days without you again. I wanted more time with you, I wanted more memories with you, but now I just have to be content with what we had. I still hope you’d come back and take a chance on me but I know it’s all just wishful thinking and it hurts so bad, but I want to thank you for everything. Thank you for making me see that I can still be happy again. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for the opportunity to be with someone as wonderful as you. I never thought I’d get this chance again but now I know, there are still good guys left in this world.

So I guess there’s nothing else to do but to move on. It’s going to be a rough road, and there will be times when I will stumble and fall, but I’ll have to force myself to keep moving. I have to believe that somewhere, there is that one man who will be brave enough to climb my walls, take my hand, and never let it go no matter what obstacles we’ll have to go through. It’s hard but I have to keep the faith that somehow, everything will fall into its places in God’s time.

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Posted in Feels

Letting Go

Hey. I miss you.

But this is the last time I’m going to write about you.

We were never together, but I’d like to believe we almost were. We were never in love, but we had that “click”. The “click” we had the first time we met was too obvious not to ignore. I knew it, and you also knew it well enough to ask me out on a second date then proposed to be exclusive on the third.

We were a damn good team. Our conversations lasted the whole day and we never had any dull moments. Every single time spent with you was always awesome that I constantly dreaded every time you had to bring me home. I’ll let you in on a little secret, though: I’ve always known a shorter route home. I never told you because a longer drive home meant longer time spent with you. This was just like that time when you told me you made all the traffic lights turn red when we passed so you could hold my hand a bit longer. It was hard for you because you drive a manual, but I find it so cute whenever you try to hold my hand while driving.

You have always been adorable. I saw it when it was raining, and you decided to leave your umbrella in the car and share mine so you could put your arm around my shoulders. I noticed it when you discreetly turned the volume up when the song playing in your car when we first met came up next on your playlist. I knew it when you grabbed my hand and told me to feel how cold it was because you were scared of the movie we were watching and you never let go even after the scary scenes. You have always held my hand after that.

Most importantly, you brought me closer to God. You lifted up that essential part of me I thought was slowly dying. You helped me regain my faith. You helped me listen to God and understand His words better. You reintroduced me to Jesus and I will forever thank you for that.

In case it still isn’t obvious, I miss you. When you left, I felt lost once more. I tried to look for you everywhere to the point of dating guys I thought were better than you but it seems difficult, if not impossible, to find another one like you. I will forever envy the woman you will end up with but I will always be grateful to God that He made you a part of my life.

For some time, I was wondering why He made us cross paths. I was confused, frustrated, and a bit angry because God took out the only wonderful thing in my life, then. But now I think I understand  His reason. You were sent to me so I could set my standards – so I would learn not to settle. So that I would see that there are still genuinely good people in the world who would treat me right, make me explore and enjoy my life, and help me grow with God remaining at our center.

I am thankful for everything you taught me, and for everything we shared. You will always be a blessing in my life and with this, I am now letting go. It’s about time I free myself from thoughts of what if’s and what could have been’s so that I may start embracing the what else’s and what could be’s. 🙂

Posted in Random Thoughts

The Girl.

I don’t want to be this girl anymore.

I don’t want to be the girl who gets attached so easily.
The girl who always starts the conversation, and keeps it going at the same time.
The girl who takes dates seriously, because why else would you date a person you have no intention of getting to know better?

I don’t want to be the girl who feels everything so deeply.
The girl who listens and believes to every word a person she cares for says.
The girl who always cares so much, because she makes sure she values every significant thing around her.

I don’t want to be the girl who is known for being mediocre.
The girl who, when people see her, just gets a passive glance and a small nod.
The girl who is shy in flaunting what excellent things she could do just because she doesn’t want people to think she’s a show-off.

I don’t want to be the girl who cares what other people say about her.
The girl who needs to validate her self-worth from others.
The girl who listens when people change her because she wants to please everyone around her.

I could go on about the things I don’t want to be anymore.
I could do that because I have grown to dislike myself over time.
I am wounded and damaged to the point of being irreparable because of the people who created the monster that lives within me.
The monster that has eaten away the old me.

But I’m sick and tired of the girl I have become.
The girl who used to love company and sunshine now finds comfort in solace and darkness.
That’s the girl I have become, but no,
that’s not the girl I want to be.

I don’t want to be this girl anymore.

Things are about to change.

Posted in Feels

1:19

Under the inky, starry sky
You chased me and called my name;
Your voice reverberated through my every core

You took my hand the way you used to;
A touch so familiar and enthralling

Then you smiled —
Damn.
It never fails to catch me off-guard

Words started to come out of your sweet lips:
“I want you back”
“I need you now”

You pulled me close and held me tight
I breathed you in, your scent so divine

My heart lurched, it started to ache

I looked to my side;

It’s 1:19 am.

Posted in Feels

HUH?

Sino ka
Para pumasok sa buhay ko
Para iwanan lang din ako

Sino ka
Para ibigay ang kaligayahang inaasam ko
Para paluhain lang din ako

Sino ka
Para iangat ako ng napakataas
Para ibagsak lang din nang walang sasalo

Sino ka
Para magbigay ng pag-asa
Para wasakin lang din ito

Sino ka
Sino ka ba

Bakit mo ako ginanito?

Posted in Feels

Super.

Let me share with you something I heard from one of my superiors in the office that pretty much hit me right in the feels:

“You never really forget someone until they are superimposed.”

Of course, not everyone will agree but when I think about it, it does make a lot of sense (at least for me). See here, for most of us, the feelings never really go away until you find someone who can fill in the void that motherfucker made. Sure, we’ve learned to deal with the loss and the pain, we’ve learned to genuinely laugh and smile again, we’ve learned to stop waiting for the texts and the calls that will never come, but admit it; at the end of the day, when we board on a feels train, you still find yourself yearning for that one person.

That one person whose hands you’d like to hold to make you feel better, who made you believe in the possibility of “something” again, who put you high up on a pedestal and made you feel all these wonderful things only to leave you cold and helpless on the ground, making you feel like shit.

That motherfucker.

So then, you try to meet new people and go on dates to distract yourself and make you focus on other things. You do this in the hopes of finding someone who would hopefully not turn out to be a jerk; you know, just someone better. You meet other people who are cuter and smarter than him and you find yourself having fun in their company and everything’s just great! You succeeded in getting him off your mind but when you get home and lie on your bed, all you can think of is:

“He’s not you.”

And it’s so stupid because the reason you are doing all these is to forget how you feel about him; to superimpose those feelings with new ones, to superimpose him with a better person. Despite knowing what an asshole he is, you still look for him. I mean, you’ve already succeeded in chasing the moon and the stars, but still, you choose to stay on the ground he dropped you off.

This is where I’m left confused. Given that scenario, you’ve already found other people who are way better than him, right? Then again, why do you still think about him at the end of the day? Why do you still want the person you can’t have? Is it because you haven’t really found that better person, or is it because superimposition doesn’t totally work in love?

Great. More questions.

Posted in Feels

Trash.

One of the worst feelings in the world is when someone makes you feel disposable; it’s like you’re not worth anything despite all the things you did and shared with that person because you’ve seen how easily they’ve thrown everything away.

Sure, they may have bigger reasons for leaving you, but that doesn’t make it any less painful, especially when you try to look back on your memories and see nothing wrong. In fact, the two of you were even having so much fun and whatever was going on between the two of you was slowly but surely developing into something more.

Then one day, you just woke up and everything has abruptly changed.

No signs, no previous discussions of any problems.

Just like that.

He just doesn’t like you anymore, and he wants you out of his life.

There is something more painful than that, though. It’s when you learn that his reasons are completely selfish and almost preposterous.

It’s when his reasons completely degrade you, and you are left feeling judged, making you feel awful about yourself.

Never mind that you were kind to him, never mind that you did everything to put a smile on his face, never mind the laughter, the fun, and all the special things that you shared; just because of one silly, unfair, and absurd reason, every good thing about the two of you was left unconsidered.

That’s how easy it was for him to forget all those; as if none of those truly mattered.

YOU ARE THAT DISPOSABLE TO HIM.

So, you are left to hurt and question yourself over and over while he goes on his merry way and act as if nothing happened; as if he didn’t destroy a person.

Just like that.

You wonder how he could quickly shrug off those moments that you shared. Didn’t it really matter to him?

Didn’t you really matter to him?

Sometimes you can’t help but be awed by these kind of people. It’s as if hurting others is their second nature — they just don’t care at all.

Just when you thought you have finally found the person who can make you feel happy and alive again, everything goes wrong. Suddenly, he wasn’t the person you thought he was. He suddenly became someone who possessed the power to make your heart ache so bad that you find yourself tearing up whenever you read your past conversations and whenever you reminisce on the times you’ve spent together.

Suddenly all the songs that you hear and all the poems that you read remind him of you. You find yourself in a place where the two of you have gone to. You wake up hurting because you know he’s not going to text or call you again. You feel empty because it’s as if he took away everything from you when he left. It’s like you’re waiting for something that is never going to happen again and you are trying your best to be honestly okay with the fact that he’s never coming back.

And you feel frustrated because despite all these, you can’t find it in your heart to hate him and it’s so stupid because you have every reason to do so, but somehow, YOU JUST COULDN’T HATE HIM.

Because to you, he is indispensable.