Moving Forward

I never thought I’d be in the same spot again.
Just when I accepted that things are going to be bleak for me, you came. You were that one person I didn’t expect to majorly turn things around for me. To be honest, I thought our first date would be our last because you were a bit quiet, so I thought you weren’t enjoying my company. Little did I know that it was just the beginning of the happy moments that are now just memories etched in my mind.

We were total opposites but our personalities jived greatly. While you were mostly reserved, you never failed to make me feel that I was wanted. Your texts were consistent, you made sure we saw each other regularly, you constantly held my hand, and always kissed me when I arrive and before I go. I appreciated that even though we never talked about what we really were, you always made me feel special. I always marveled in the efforts you put in for us, and I am very grateful for all of it.

I was starting to be genuinely happy again. Having you in my life made me hopeful for another shot at happiness. I still had bad days but knowing that you were there made everything bearable because I know I have something good to look forward to. You were my happy pill; just the thought of you in my life made me smile. Thinking about us always made me feel like everything is going to be okay, and I truly believed we were going to end up somewhere great.

Now I’m back to square one. You left me when things went glum. I can’t completely blame you because the situation is frightening, but I wish you’d stayed. I know things went insane but I was willing to do everything in my power to keep you safe. This wasn’t your fault but I felt like trash. I felt as if I wasn’t worth the risk when I took every chance for you. I put my guards down for you in spite of my fears to feel this kind of pain once more because I believed you were worth it. I also understand your fears. I know it’s not easy, but you didn’t even give me another chance to prove that you’re safe with me. You didn’t trust me enough.

Despite all these, I miss you so much. I miss your texts, the way you hold my hand every chance that you get, the way you put your arms around me while I wait for the bus or the car, your tight hugs that say everything you can’t say, the way you rub your nose against mine, and your kisses that never failed to make me smile. The 2 months we spent together was amazing. I know it’s too short of a time to be feeling this way but I guess this is really how it feels when you lose someone who was never really yours. You get eaten up by the what if’s and the what could have been’s. You will always be left wondering how things would have gone had the situation been different.

It’s difficult to get used to days without you again. I wanted more time with you, I wanted more memories with you, but now I just have to be content with what we had. I still hope you’d come back and take a chance on me but I know it’s all just wishful thinking and it hurts so bad, but I want to thank you for everything. Thank you for making me see that I can still be happy again. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for the opportunity to be with someone as wonderful as you. I never thought I’d get this chance again but now I know, there are still good guys left in this world.

So I guess there’s nothing else to do but to move on. It’s going to be a rough road, and there will be times when I will stumble and fall, but I’ll have to force myself to keep moving. I have to believe that somewhere, there is that one man who will be brave enough to climb my walls, take my hand, and never let it go no matter what obstacles we’ll have to go through. It’s hard but I have to keep the faith that somehow, everything will fall into its places in God’s time.

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